Jesus Siting at Wal-Mart…

jesusdoll.jpg

Wal-Mart is set to release a new Jesus Christ action figure into select stores. You knew this was coming. My question is, next to Spiderman and Superman, what kind of “action” would a Jesus action figure do that would appeal to violence addicted kids? Let us examine the situation.

The new Jesus doll wears a white robe, and has Kung-Fu grip. He doesn’t come with loaves and fishes, he apparently doesn’t perform any miracles, and he has no weapons (because Jesus is anti-violence and anti-killing for that matter…remember?) So in order to actually use the Kung Fu grip he’ll have to steal a sword or machine gun from another figure…oops, wait a minute…thou shall not steal either? Boy this is rapidly evolving into a marketing nightmare. 

He’s 12″ tall, so he’s compatible with dolls like Barbie and G.I. Joe, but he can’t date Barbie or fight G.I. Joe? So what will he do exactly beesides be ‘Jesus?” Turns out he talks via an embedded computer chip and he says Jesus-like-things, for instance, “Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.” Swingers will love that. Maybe you can simply have him be the perpetual martyr. You can have GI Joe beat the crap out of him constantly while Joe calls him a lefty loon and remind him that the ‘REAL’ Jesus is in favor of the war in Iraq…just ask the Republicans. He could tie Jesus to the back of his jeep and drag him around Texas to make his point I suppose. Come to think of it, maybe Jesus should just keep his mouth shut altogether. 

I’ve got it! They can make Jesus a campaign toy for the 2008 election. You could press his forehead and he could try to convince future voters that the Republicans really are compassionate instead of the narrow minded racists that they really are. Or maybe they can just simplify the speech feature to some catch phrases for American kids with short attention spans like, “9/11 bad!”, “Globalism good.”, and “Terroists everywhere, beware!”

As long as Jesus keeps his mouth shut, you can enage in all sorts of good old fashioned anti-Muslim fun. How about pretend Jesus has actually enlisted in the army, to fight side by side with G.I. Joe as he uses divine powers to make the American army invincible (because we all know the U.S. government and Christians are right and the rest of those people who live in the sand are wrong.) Maybe you could pretend that terrorists have kidnapped Jesus and use that as a news story, written by Barbie of course, to promote the struggle against fundamentalist Islam. If he was lucky enough to not get dead, he could maybe hook up with Barbie and learn to drive the convertible or crash at the beach over some wine and complain how all the 7-11 stores are owned by Muslims. Now that I think about it, the possibilities are endless. 

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Posted on August 7, 2007, in Iraq War, Religion and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. MJ "revoltingpawn"

    This should be nominated as the funniest post is some blog contest somewhere. Almost spit out my cheerios this morning. Thanks…

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