People Watching at Starbucks…


Okay kids, pay attention, this is important life learning you will not get anywhere else.

I have a theory.

After visiting my local Starbucks and eavesdropping on conversations, I have concluded there is an indisputable link between coffee, politics and sex. To support my theory, I have devised a coffee-politics-sex matrix that allows the causal observer to identify ones political and sexual orientation by simply observing how random people order their coffee.

Anarchist > Espresso > Asexual

Radical > Black Coffee > Heterosexual -or- Homosexual

Liberal > Cappuciono w/Straw > Gay

Centrist > House Blend > Heterosexual (Not monogamous)

Conservative > Maxwell House w/Viagara Pill > Closet Homosexual 

Libertarian > Vanilla Steamer > Only one gay encounter in college

Christian Right > Water > Hard to tell…wasn’t allowed to attend Sex-Ed class

Know anyone who fits these??? I do. 

Powerful stuff my freinds…powerful stuff 🙂


Posted on October 4, 2007, in Political Humor, Religion and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. I don’t Starbuck, as I want some special reason to spend $ on coffee that I can’t do at home.
    So I go to Austin Chase for a white coffee Americano. That sounds terrible, doesn’t it—it really is innocent, honest, lol! White coffee is not roasted, is very hard to grind, and produces a more tea-like and super caffeinated beverage. Two shots to 12 oz. please, no sugar and no cream.

  2. What about a Radical Libertarian who verges on anarchism and drinks cappuccino without a straw, and with an extra shot (or two)?

    Does it change if he intends to cross over and vote for Ron Paul in the Republican primary, but would never vote for any other Republican?

  3. Wow Rich…that’s deep. I believe we may need to add some interpretation rules to the matrix or possibly expand it!

    Based on current info, I’d have to say the person you describe is probably a wanna be Vanilla Steamer drinker who had one gay experience in college, then went straight for awhile, only to come out of the closet after he was married…or something like that:)

  4. John Power,

    Wow. The matrix doesn’t even list ice coffee. I’m guessing centrist and straight – indecisive – but centrist and straight 🙂

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