Some Twisted Humor for Friday…

I enjoyed this. Maybe you will too. 

You have to wonder what some people are thinking…

Jesus Siting at Wal-Mart…

Wal-Mart is set to release a new Jesus Christ action figure into select stores. You knew this was coming. My question is, next to Spiderman and Superman, what kind of “action” would a Jesus action figure do that would appeal to violence addicted kids? Let us examine the situation.

The new Jesus doll wears a white robe, and has Kung-Fu grip. He doesn’t come with loaves and fishes, he apparently doesn’t perform any miracles, and he has no weapons (because Jesus is anti-violence and anti-killing for that matter…remember?) So in order to actually use the Kung Fu grip he’ll have to steal a sword or machine gun from another figure…oops, wait a minute…thou shall not steal either? Boy this is rapidly evolving into a marketing nightmare. 

He’s 12″ tall, so he’s compatible with dolls like Barbie and G.I. Joe, but he can’t date Barbie or fight G.I. Joe? So what will he do exactly beesides be ‘Jesus?” Turns out he talks via an embedded computer chip and he says Jesus-like-things, for instance, “Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.” Swingers will love that. Maybe you can simply have him be the perpetual martyr. You can have GI Joe beat the crap out of him constantly while Joe calls him a lefty loon and remind him that the ‘REAL’ Jesus is in favor of the war in Iraq…just ask the Republicans. He could tie Jesus to the back of his jeep and drag him around Texas to make his point I suppose. Come to think of it, maybe Jesus should just keep his mouth shut altogether. 

I’ve got it! They can make Jesus a campaign toy for the 2008 election. You could press his forehead and he could try to convince future voters that the Republicans really are compassionate instead of the narrow minded racists that they really are. Or maybe they can just simplify the speech feature to some catch phrases for American kids with short attention spans like, “9/11 bad!”, “Globalism good.”, and “Terroists everywhere, beware!”

As long as Jesus keeps his mouth shut, you can enage in all sorts of good old fashioned anti-Muslim fun. How about pretend Jesus has actually enlisted in the army, to fight side by side with G.I. Joe as he uses divine powers to make the American army invincible (because we all know the U.S. government and Christians are right and the rest of those people who live in the sand are wrong.) Maybe you could pretend that terrorists have kidnapped Jesus and use that as a news story, written by Barbie of course, to promote the struggle against fundamentalist Islam. If he was lucky enough to not get dead, he could maybe hook up with Barbie and learn to drive the convertible or crash at the beach over some wine and complain how all the 7-11 stores are owned by Muslims. Now that I think about it, the possibilities are endless. 

The Pit and the Viper…

In a recent proposal by President George W. Bush, he has suggested a new Amendment to the Constitution that will resolve the entire Iraq quagmire which he and his personal God, “Cheney” got the nation into in March of 2003. This amendment is based on the Biblical paradigm of the “Viper in the Pit”. The story goes that once upon a time, in a land far far away, a man was walking in an isolated desert, and came upon a very deep pit in the sand. Upon getting closer, he heard desperate cries of help, and so he went over to the pit and saw a Viper which was trapped in the bottom of this depression. Well, lo and behold, when the Viper  saw this man, he begged the man to please save his life by helping him out of the pit. Otherwise said the “Pit” Viper, I will surely die. The man felt sorry for Little Pit, but decided to take precaution since he knew that this was a sand pit-viper, which is known to be an extremely poisonous snake capable of inflicting death within minutes after a bite. So … the man negotiated a deal with the viper that if he saved pit’s life by taking him out of the pit, the viper would not harm the man. The Viper, seeing that he was against a rock and a hard place, agreed to the resolution, and thus the man did what he promised on his end, and saved the snake’s life by fishing him out of the pit. Within seconds after being saved, Petey the Pit-Viper turned and bit his savior. As the man was lying and dying, he asked Petey why he had gone back on his word, and violated their joint-agreement, upon which Petey answered by saying, ‘You knew what I was when we made a deal, so why are you surprised with this outcome. Now the moral of the story, on which President Bush’s proposed amendment is based on. He {Bush} compares himself with the savior, while the Pit-Viper represents Saddam. However, because of the divine powers with which George claims to be blessed with, he plans on reversing the outcome of the biblical paradigm, and therefore the outcome of the war. He [Georgy} figures that when the story is changed to one in which the saved pit-viper being gracious and thankful for his life befriends the Man who saved him and they both live happily ever after, then the ending will change and the Iraqi outcome will change along with it. But, the catch is that first, Congress and three-fourths of the nation’s governors must help to ratify Amendment number 28, which when ratified will serve to reverse the US shorcomings in Iraq thus far, because St. Bush, who has a direct line to the Almighty, as he claims he does, has prayed for this to come true, and the Creatore has answered his call. To be continued.Posted by O.K. 03/14/07