Some Twisted Humor for Friday…

I enjoyed this. Maybe you will too. 

You have to wonder what some people are thinking…

People Watching at Starbucks…

 

Okay kids, pay attention, this is important life learning you will not get anywhere else.

I have a theory.

After visiting my local Starbucks and eavesdropping on conversations, I have concluded there is an indisputable link between coffee, politics and sex. To support my theory, I have devised a coffee-politics-sex matrix that allows the causal observer to identify ones political and sexual orientation by simply observing how random people order their coffee.

Anarchist > Espresso > Asexual

Radical > Black Coffee > Heterosexual -or- Homosexual

Liberal > Cappuciono w/Straw > Gay

Centrist > House Blend > Heterosexual (Not monogamous)

Conservative > Maxwell House w/Viagara Pill > Closet Homosexual 

Libertarian > Vanilla Steamer > Only one gay encounter in college

Christian Right > Water > Hard to tell…wasn’t allowed to attend Sex-Ed class

Know anyone who fits these??? I do. 

Powerful stuff my freinds…powerful stuff 🙂

Thompson Announces Candidacy on Leno…

 

As reported on Shadow Democracy Radio September 2nd, Fred Thompson – veteran actor and former Republican senator from Tennessee – launched his campaign for the presidency in typical Hollywood style. “I’m running for president of the United States,” Thompson told Jay Leno in a taped appearance on NBC’s “Tonight Show” that airs tonight.Thompson called top opponents Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney formidable but added: “I think I will be, too” as he rejected the notion that he was getting into the race too late.

“I don’t think people are going to say, ‘You know, that guy would make a very good president but he just didn’t get in soon enough,'” Thompson said as the studio audience laughed. Poking at his rivals who have been running since the year began, he added: “If you can’t get your message out in a few months, you’re probably not every going to get it out.”

In a multi-phased campaign rollout, Thompson also is calling attention to his candidacy with a 30-second ad broadcast during a Republican debate in New Hampshire that he is not participating in. He also is explaining the rationale for his candidacy during a 15-minute Webcast on his campaign Internet site just after midnight.

“On the next president’s watch, our country will make decisions that will affect our lives and our families far into the future. We can’t allow ourselves to become a weaker, less prosperous and more divided nation,” Thompson says in the ad that will air on Fox News Channel (go figure).

Thompson may have a bit of momentum, but it won’t be easy for the former Tennessee senator, who has a street reputation for laziness. His campaign has been unable to drive fundraising and suffered through multiple staff changes, the most recent coming this past Tuesday with the departure of his spokesman of just two weeks, Jim Mills.

“There is a genuine interest in Senator Thompson here, a real curiosity about him,” New Hampshire Republican Chairman Fergus Cullen said Tuesday. “But that curiosity is giving way to skepticism and maybe even cynicism about him in part because of how he’s handling his grand entrance. For him to then go on Jay Leno the same night and be trading jokes while other candidates are having a substantive discussion on issues is not going to be missed by New Hampshire voters.”

In Durham, N.H., as people waited in line to see the Republican candidates debate at the University of New Hampshire, one person ran around in a fuzzy yellow duck suit carrying a sign that said, “Fred, why are you ducking the debate?”

“He should be here,” said Bob Crossley, 50, a real estate agent from Wolfeboro, N.H., waiting to get in. “It’s kind of like defaulting in sports. If you don’t show up, you lose.”

In spite of all this, Thompson consistently ranks among the top Republicans in national polls and state surveys. He is a Bush-like conservative – pro-Iraq War, anti-middle class, anti-union, etc., and seeing that no one on the GOP side has remotely excited the base, Republicans are searching for someone with like-minded credentials who can win in a general election. During his 1994-2002 Senate tenure, he was considered a reliably conservative vote, however, he strayed from the party line on a few issues, including advocating for campaign finance reform. Overall, he may be the best shot for a Republican base that may finally be sick of all the lies and corruption, while the economy and international policy situation erodes. Whether he can beat Hillary Clinton or anyone else, remains to be seen.

Thompson at a Glance…

NAME – Fred Dalton Thompson

AGE-BIRTH DATE-LOCATION – 65; August 19, 1942; Sheffield, Ala.

EXPERIENCE – Actor, 1987-2007; Tennessee Senator, 1994-2003; attorney, Arent, Fox, Kintner, Plotkin & Kahn, 1991-94; Tennessee Appellate Court Nominating Commission, 1985-87; special counsel to the Senate Intelligence Committee, 1982; special counsel to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, 1980-81; special counsel to Tennessee Gov. Lamar Alexander, 1980; attorney in private practice, 1975-94; minority counsel to the Senate Watergate committee, 1973-74; Assistant U.S. attorney, 1969-72; lawyer, private practice, 1967-69.

EDUCATION – B.S., Memphis State University, 1964; JD, Vanderbilt University, 1967.

FAMILY – Divorced and remarried; five children, one deceased.

QUOTE – “Republicans have to realize that not only do we have to do things differently and better as a country, we need to do things differently and better as a party.” – August 2007, interview, The Associated Press.

More on Thompson soon.

Jesus Siting at Wal-Mart…

Wal-Mart is set to release a new Jesus Christ action figure into select stores. You knew this was coming. My question is, next to Spiderman and Superman, what kind of “action” would a Jesus action figure do that would appeal to violence addicted kids? Let us examine the situation.

The new Jesus doll wears a white robe, and has Kung-Fu grip. He doesn’t come with loaves and fishes, he apparently doesn’t perform any miracles, and he has no weapons (because Jesus is anti-violence and anti-killing for that matter…remember?) So in order to actually use the Kung Fu grip he’ll have to steal a sword or machine gun from another figure…oops, wait a minute…thou shall not steal either? Boy this is rapidly evolving into a marketing nightmare. 

He’s 12″ tall, so he’s compatible with dolls like Barbie and G.I. Joe, but he can’t date Barbie or fight G.I. Joe? So what will he do exactly beesides be ‘Jesus?” Turns out he talks via an embedded computer chip and he says Jesus-like-things, for instance, “Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.” Swingers will love that. Maybe you can simply have him be the perpetual martyr. You can have GI Joe beat the crap out of him constantly while Joe calls him a lefty loon and remind him that the ‘REAL’ Jesus is in favor of the war in Iraq…just ask the Republicans. He could tie Jesus to the back of his jeep and drag him around Texas to make his point I suppose. Come to think of it, maybe Jesus should just keep his mouth shut altogether. 

I’ve got it! They can make Jesus a campaign toy for the 2008 election. You could press his forehead and he could try to convince future voters that the Republicans really are compassionate instead of the narrow minded racists that they really are. Or maybe they can just simplify the speech feature to some catch phrases for American kids with short attention spans like, “9/11 bad!”, “Globalism good.”, and “Terroists everywhere, beware!”

As long as Jesus keeps his mouth shut, you can enage in all sorts of good old fashioned anti-Muslim fun. How about pretend Jesus has actually enlisted in the army, to fight side by side with G.I. Joe as he uses divine powers to make the American army invincible (because we all know the U.S. government and Christians are right and the rest of those people who live in the sand are wrong.) Maybe you could pretend that terrorists have kidnapped Jesus and use that as a news story, written by Barbie of course, to promote the struggle against fundamentalist Islam. If he was lucky enough to not get dead, he could maybe hook up with Barbie and learn to drive the convertible or crash at the beach over some wine and complain how all the 7-11 stores are owned by Muslims. Now that I think about it, the possibilities are endless. 

The Pit and the Viper…

In a recent proposal by President George W. Bush, he has suggested a new Amendment to the Constitution that will resolve the entire Iraq quagmire which he and his personal God, “Cheney” got the nation into in March of 2003. This amendment is based on the Biblical paradigm of the “Viper in the Pit”. The story goes that once upon a time, in a land far far away, a man was walking in an isolated desert, and came upon a very deep pit in the sand. Upon getting closer, he heard desperate cries of help, and so he went over to the pit and saw a Viper which was trapped in the bottom of this depression. Well, lo and behold, when the Viper  saw this man, he begged the man to please save his life by helping him out of the pit. Otherwise said the “Pit” Viper, I will surely die. The man felt sorry for Little Pit, but decided to take precaution since he knew that this was a sand pit-viper, which is known to be an extremely poisonous snake capable of inflicting death within minutes after a bite. So … the man negotiated a deal with the viper that if he saved pit’s life by taking him out of the pit, the viper would not harm the man. The Viper, seeing that he was against a rock and a hard place, agreed to the resolution, and thus the man did what he promised on his end, and saved the snake’s life by fishing him out of the pit. Within seconds after being saved, Petey the Pit-Viper turned and bit his savior. As the man was lying and dying, he asked Petey why he had gone back on his word, and violated their joint-agreement, upon which Petey answered by saying, ‘You knew what I was when we made a deal, so why are you surprised with this outcome. Now the moral of the story, on which President Bush’s proposed amendment is based on. He {Bush} compares himself with the savior, while the Pit-Viper represents Saddam. However, because of the divine powers with which George claims to be blessed with, he plans on reversing the outcome of the biblical paradigm, and therefore the outcome of the war. He [Georgy} figures that when the story is changed to one in which the saved pit-viper being gracious and thankful for his life befriends the Man who saved him and they both live happily ever after, then the ending will change and the Iraqi outcome will change along with it. But, the catch is that first, Congress and three-fourths of the nation’s governors must help to ratify Amendment number 28, which when ratified will serve to reverse the US shorcomings in Iraq thus far, because St. Bush, who has a direct line to the Almighty, as he claims he does, has prayed for this to come true, and the Creatore has answered his call. To be continued.Posted by O.K. 03/14/07